“People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.” – Gary Chapman, Author of The Five Love Languages
If you’ve been here for any length of time you know that I’m a pretty open book. That being said, I don’t often bring my family into my personal sharing. Today is quite different. Today you’ll get a closer look at me and my fella, Lindsey. I am pulling back the curtain on one of the most personal things I’ve written about – our relationship and sexual connection.
Would you agree that relationships ebb and flow? There are good days and great days and then those sometimes not wonderful days? Well, like most couples we have that ebb and flow too.
Over the course of the last 6 months or so, I’ve been really focusing more on my own energy and vibration and what I bring to our relationship. It’s not always perfect but I am much more aware.
Recently, I had been focused on verbally showering Lindsey with my love and affection. I was using my words to share that I wanted to be with him. I would tell him throughout the day that I was excited to see him and couldn’t wait until he arrived home. I even went as far as being bold and blunt and wide open candid about being turned on and that I was looking forward to going to “sleep”. And yet often times I felt as if my words went unnoticed.
Meanwhile, when we crawl in bed at night, he often stays awake reading a little longer than I do. During his reading time, he will gently rub my shoulder as I drift to sleep. It happens nearly every night this way. On occasion though, his hand will drift down my back and land on my hip or side. It’s quite lovely and relaxing and very soothing. It feels really good and helps me to fall asleep faster. I loooovvvveee the way it feels.
In the midst of my knowing that I need to voice something instead of sitting with an unmet expectation, I asked him about his lack of desire for me. I found myself sharing all of these very forward words with him and telling him directly that I wanted to be with him and yet there often wasn’t a response. When I asked him about this, he was dumbfounded. He had no idea what I was talking about.
He went on to ask me about all the times he rubs my shoulder, my back, hip and side and doesn’t that tell me that he desires me!?!? My reply to him – no because that helps me sleep. I didn’t see that as him desiring me…I saw that as him loving me so much that he’s showing me by helping me to sleep better.
I then asked him about all of the words I’ve been telling him and how I’ve been so vocal about my desires to be with him. What he said next was so eye opening…
“Words just don’t do anything for me.”
What?!?! After a long discussion we were both reminded of The 5 Love Languages and what we learned about ourselves and each other. We had realized in those moments of connection and conversation that we were showing each other our desire through the way we wanted it to be expressed to us.
I so love it when he is direct and forward with his words. I love when he openly tells me that he desires me and finds me attractive. I love when he is supremely blunt with me and uses his words to express that he wants me. And because I love this so much, I was showing him with MY words not remembering that he doesn’t respond and receive the way I do.
On the other hand, he absolutely loves and craves a sense of touch. If I were to rub his back at night the way he does for me, he would be turned on instantly. However, I hadn’t thought about doing that because for me it helps me sleep when he rubs my back. So while he was showing me he desired me by rubbing my back, he hadn’t thought about that not being the way I receive those messages.
I recently saw a video that Steve Harvey shared which sparked me sharing this with you. While this may not seem like a direct reflection of the work that I do, I find it very connected. I am sharing this very personal situation with you because maybe it will inspire you to take a step back and look at your own relationship. (And please note that this pertains to all relationships. We all have certain ways we hear better and receive better. It’s up to us to explore what that looks like and then begin practicing voicing those needs.)
Ever since Lindsey and I were brave enough to have an open and candid conversation our relationship, in and out of the bedroom, has completely changed. While we were quite happy before, we are remembering each other and how we communicate and prefer to receive and that has upped our level of connection.
Are you giving to your partner the way he or she prefers to receive? Do you realize that those preferences could be far different from your own? And what about your children…do you know the preferences they hold for receiving love and affection? What about your best friend?
We all have something that we connect a little more to. For me, it is words…I guess that’s why I’m a speaker and an author. 🙂 I also love receiving gifts. I’m a “words of affirmation” and “receiving gifts” kinda gal. You can check out your preferences HERE.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. It’s quite powerful and can be life changing.
Make a Difference . . . Lead with Love,